


What crime does on its day off

by ForensicBec, tinypeckers



Series: Criminals on Tour [2]
Category: Funhaus (Video Blogging RPF), Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-19 12:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13704882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForensicBec/pseuds/ForensicBec, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinypeckers/pseuds/tinypeckers
Summary: The Fake AH Crew retreat after their failed heist and the do the only thing they can do:Indulge Jeremy and embrace their tourist status. (Now with added Funhaus!)





	1. Are you aware there are no elephants or castles?

**Author's Note:**

> We promised more. We wrote more. You get more, even if you didn't want it.

The Fake AH Crew shoved their way through crowds of people as they emerged from London Bridge station. Geoff had his arm around Jack’s shoulders, mumbling to her about how the plan should have worked if only they’d just blended in. Jack gestured to the rest of crew. They were each wearing their own “I heart London” sweaters, with the exception of Ryan who hung back desperately trying to rub off the Union Jack face paint Jeremy had given him in his sleep.

“Well, at least we’re blending in now,” Jack said. Geoff rolled his eyes and muttered something about how it doesn’t matter _now_.

“Why’re we here? London Bridge is naff,” Gavin knocked shoulders with a commuter desperately trying to enter the overcrowded station. Jeremy linked their arms together and pulled Gavin close,

“Because we’re in _London_ and it’s a bridge, y’know, of London,”

“If it was so important, why did we go to five other stations beforehand?” Michael said.

“How was _I_ supposed to know that there wasn’t an elephant _or_ a castle. At least this one actually has a bridge.”

“But it is literally just a bridge!” Gavin’s head fell back against his shoulders.

 

“Ah, but it’s not just a bridge,” said a gentleman dressed as the grim reaper. Michael had only seconds to think before he had an armful of Gavin Free.

“Flippin’ heck,” Gavin cursed. The actor in front of them smirked at the response he’d elicited. Michael glared at his boyfriend but kept a firm grip as the actor stepped closer to their group.

“The London Bridge has been around for many years and it’s filled with dark secrets of war, fire and even death!” The actor leaned further forward. Ryan only snorted.

“Sounds like a Tuesday,” he said. The actor raised an eyebrow at him but pressed on,

“You can take a trip through time and learn all of the gruesome details at the London Bridge Experience,” the actor continued. Jeremy sucked in a breath, ready to turn to Geoff and beg to go. Before even one word could tumble from his lips, Geoff sighed.

“Fine,” he said.

 

The actor perked up and pushed a leaflet into Geoff’s hands.

“If you look behind me you’ll see the box office, where you can pick up your tickets. They’ll give you directions to the attraction but be warned – it’s scaAaAaAry.” The actor waggled their fingers and smiled at the group. Geoff simply pushed past him, leading Jack and the rest of his crew across the street. Ryan stopped by the actor, glaring down at him through streaks of red, white and blue.

“Are there any stairs?” Ryan asked. The actor swallowed and slowly shook his head. Ryan suddenly beamed, patting the man on the shoulder and briskly walking to catch up to the others. On the other side, Michael finally dropped Gavin down onto the ground.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Geoff? We all know how much of a scaredy-cat you can be.” Michael nudged his boss’ arm with the most devilish grin painted upon his face.

“I’m fine, I’m the biggest crime boss in Los Santos I’m not going to lose it because of a shitty attract-“

 

Geoff shrieked the end of his sentence as a woman popped up from behind the counter.

“’Ello loves, how can I help you?” She didn’t seem to notice the pamphlet shaking in Geoff’s hands.

Under his breath Jeremy whispered,

“Oh my god, she sounds like Gavin.” Gavin slapped the back of his hand, scowling down at the small little smile Jeremy graced him with in return.

“We’d like to get tickets to the London Bridge Experience please,” Jack pushed Geoff out of the way to lean on the counter.

“Of course my loves, what time?” The woman’s fingers tapped over a keyboard.

“Oh, well, let me check,” Jack looked down at the new sparkly watch Geoff had bought her just yesterday that matched her new earrings. “It’s 11am,” she said. The woman looked back, puzzled.

“Yes, I know but what time would you like to take the tour?” She asked. Jack’s mouth opened in realisation. She let herself laugh at her own stupidity as Geoff cackled in the background. He choked on his laughter after a swift heel to the nuts.

“When’s the next tour?” Jack smiled sweetly as if she hadn’t castrated her own boyfriend. The woman before her chose to ignore it but the slight smirk on her lips suggested she saw.

 

“Oh, it’s actually in about fifteen minutes. Would you like to buy tickets to that one?” Jack nodded at the lady. The faster they did this the faster Jeremy would shut up. “Well, for six of you it will cost £19.99 per person, so it will cost £119.70 for your whole group.” Behind Jack, Geoff mouthed the price and grabbed Jack’s wrist for support. The lady continued, “you can also opt for the ultra fast pass which includes a personalised gift and souvenir for only £30.00 more per person!” Jeremy turned to Geoff, his eyes wide and already watering as he prepared the longest, most affectionate declaration of love in an attempt to get their boss to agree. Geoff didn’t wait to hear it and with one shake of the head, it was decided.

“We’ll just take the normal tickets please,” Jack said. The woman started to tell them about some other offers they could take but she was shot down.

“Okay, the final price is £119.70 then for your whole group,” she beamed.

 

Geoff was having trouble breathing as Jack pulled out his credit card to pay for it all. Gavin, in an effort to make up for yesterday’s disaster, nudged Jack out of the way.

“Well love,” Gavin pulled his golden glasses down just slightly so that she could see his dazzling eyes, “’m sure that you could give us a better deal than that, knock off a few bob for us,” Gavin purred.

“Bloody Americans, always mocking us,” she muttered before composing herself, “No, sorry. This is the best deal I can give you.” Gavin stumbled backwards into Michael’s arms. Michael looked down at him as Gavin stared straight up and looked right through him.

“Are you alright there Gav?” Michael tried to get him stand upright. Gavin lay limp in his arms.

“S-S-She called me _American,_ ” Gavin spat.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Michael glanced towards Jack as she collected their tickets.

“It’s the worst thing she could call me Michael!”

“Fuck you,” Michael dropped his boyfriend.

 

Jack turned around at that point and raised an eyebrow as Gavin sat up and rubbed his arse.

“Michael, Gavin – stop fighting or you’ll have to go back to the hotel,” Jack said.

“Oh thank god,” Michael turned on his heel, ready to leave. Jeremy snatched up his hand and held him back. He dragged Michael along behind Jack as she led the way to the attraction’s entrance.

“It’ll be fun, Michael,” Jeremy reassured but Michael wasn’t convinced. If only there had been an elephant and a castle, they wouldn’t have to drag Geoff around the scary attraction.

“Yeah, Michael it’ll be fun,” Gavin prodded Michael’s shoulder. Michael shook him off.

“I give it five minutes until you’ve wet your pants, Ryan’s punched an actor and Geoff’s on a plane back to Los Santos,” Michael said.

“I’m not scared Michael,” Gavin said.

 

Under the bridge, where the attraction’s entrance lay, they were greeted with some eerie children’s rhyme. Michael didn’t miss the way Gavin suddenly took a hold of his hand, squeezing just slightly as the music grew louder. Geoff was actively trying to pull away from Jack, muttering “no, no, no,” underneath his breath. Jeremy dropped Michael’s hand to grab Ryan’s instead and the pair danced along to the eerie tune. At the entrance, Geoff’s protests picked up and he was leaning away from Jack with all of his might.

“Geoff you can do this, it’s just a tour. You’re the biggest crime boss in Los Santos, remember?” Jack said. Geoff shook his head wildly side to side.

“That doesn’t matter here Jack, that man said it was gonna be scAaAaAry and you and I know, I don’t do scary.” Jack shoved him inside, moving him towards the ticket booth. She glanced backwards to check they were all still there.

 

Gavin and Jack boxed Geoff in and kept him in one place as Jack handed their tickets over.

“Oh, looks like we’ve got two big groups going on this tour today. That’s good, less of a chance you’ll get picked, eh.” The teenager behind the ticket booth said. Jack nodded, thankful that Geoff stood a chance at surviving the tour. She pushed him through the turnstile and instantly regretted it.

“Jack, Jack – what the fuck is that? Why is it looking at me?” Geoff tried to run past her and back through the turnstile but Jack stood firm and pushed him forward.

“It’s just a puppet Geoff, it can’t hurt you. It’s not going to hurt you,” Jack said though even she shivered as she walked past it. Gavin buried his head in Michael’s shoulder as they walked through. Jeremy admired the puppet and pointed it out to Ryan. Ryan smiled at it.

“So where’s this other group then,” Michael said as he leaned against the wall. Gavin tucked himself against his side, “I bet they’ve chickened out.”

 

Barely seconds after the accusation had left his lips, their ears perked up as the other group entered.

“Did we all make it? Let’s see: Elyse, James, Lawrence, Bruce, Peake? Where’s Peake?” Adam cupped his hands over his mouth yelling, “Peake!”

“I’m here, I’m here,” Peake stepped past James and Elyse so that Adam could see him.

“Oh thank god, I thought we’d lost you,” Adam wrapped his arms around Peake’s shoulders and pulled him close. The teenager in the ticket booth cleared his throat,

“Could I see your tickets, sir?” He asked. Adam pulled away from Peake and clapped his hands together.

“Of course…” Adam looked at Elyse, “tickets?” The blonde woman shook her head.

“Not me, I thought Bruce had them,” she looked up at Bruce who threw both hands to the side and shrugged.

“I thought James had them,” Bruce said but even James shook his head and pat down his pockets.

“Here,” Peake slipped the teenager their tickets.

 

They eventually made it through the turnstile and Adam walked backwards as he explained to his crew that this was the best thing that they could do since their plans had fallen through.

“Look, we’re criminals in England with nothing to do, we might as well blend in and do touristy things,” He almost tripped over his own foot as he tried to follow the winding path of the queue.

“You’re not doing a very good job of it, look at you, you look like shit!” Geoff jabbed an accusing finger in their rival crew’s direction. Adam shrieked and fell backwards, toppling into Michael’s unwilling arms. The Jersey man groaned as he pushed Adam off of him.

“Seriously? Is this how it’s gonna be?”

 

“What are you guys doing here?” Elyse grabbed Jack’s hand and kissed her knuckles, “nice earrings!” Jack pushed her earlobe forward to give Elyse a better look.

“Michael got them for me at the Tower of London, aren’t they beautiful?” Jack said. James rubbed circles around Adam’s back, whispering reassurances into his boyfriend’s ear.

“Tower of London? We were going to head there to steal the crown jewels but it’s been on lock down since yesterday,” Bruce said. Jack quickly glanced towards the teenager in the ticket booth but was relieved to see he’d slipped some earphones in.

“Yeah, well, it’s because we were there to steal the crown jewels.” Geoff puffed up his chest.

“Oh cool, did you get them?” Bruce raised his eyebrow in Geoff’s direction. Geoff deflated.

“No because Gavin just had to have some stupid golden gun.”

“Ah, well, we’ll get them next time.” Bruce smirked.

“Shame we didn’t get to go though, I quite enjoy all that historical stuff,” Lawrence said.

 

It was like a switch had been flipped and suddenly Jeremy was upon him, jumping up and down on the spot as he pulled out Michael’s phone.

“Aw man, you missed out – it was so, so awesome like there was a gun dragon, a gun dragon! And, and like, I watched this thing right, you’ll never believe who managed to breach the tower.” Lawrence listened with the occasional nod, entranced by Jeremy’s re-enactment of the day. His boyfriends were less enthused and at times, Ryan mouthed along with Jeremy’s words as he knew the account by heart. Before Jeremy could explain how badly their heist had failed, the tour guide had come to collect them. She slunk through the shadows and then suddenly appeared. As Geoff and Adam screamed in unison, Michael found himself once again carrying Gavin.

“You’ve got to stop this, dude,” Michael said. Still, he carried Gavin through to the next room.


	2. Breathe in the stuffy museum air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two of Los Santos' biggest gangs enter The London Bridge Experience.
> 
> It's only the first room, nothing can go wrong... right?

They entered a dark and gloomy office, their guide stopping beside a desk where a wax figure slouched in his chair. Jack and Elyse took the lead, arm in arm, as they ignored the scene around them and babbled on about the jewellery they’d bought while in England. Jeremy and Lawrence were close behind. They peered around the girls to see what awaited them. Geoff shuffled in and stood behind Jeremy, hunching just slightly in an attempt to hide himself from the tour guide. Bruce followed behind him, shaking his head and muttering insults under his breath at the so-called “biggest crime lord in Los Santos.” Gavin and Michael flanked him either side. Ryan, James, Adam and Peake came in behind them.

“Come closer, come closer,” the tour guide beckoned them forward. Jack and Elyse did as they were told and Jeremy and Lawrence happily followed. It was Geoff who shook his head,

“I’m all right thanks, I’ll just stay here,” Geoff said. Ryan nudged him forward anyway. Geoff hunched a little further.

 

The tour guide introduced the history of the bridge. She told them the story of how an American had once bought the bridge, believing he’d bought the tower bridge instead.

“Bloody Americans,” Geoff mimicked the lady from the box office. Only Ryan and Jeremy heard but they both snickered. Geoff’s brief happiness was interrupted by James leaning in and whispering,

“that sounds like something you’d do.” He grinned to himself as Geoff’s small smile quickly turned into a frown. The tour guide mentioned that they’d have to make their way through a dark corridor by themselves to make it to the next room. Though she offered safety tips, reminding them to keep a hand on the railing at all times, all Geoff heard was noise.

“We’re going in there… and it’s dark?” Geoff whispered into Jeremy’s ear.

“You’ll be fine, I’m here to protect you,” Jeremy said. He ignored the group’s snickering.

 

Jack led the way, one hand on the railing with the other reaching back and clasping Elyse’s as she tucked her head against Jack’s back. Lawrence began to spurt nonsense about how this was a cheap tactic to scare them and it wasn’t working because he, Lawrence Sonntag, was not scared. At all. Jeremy, still keeping one hand on the railing, stood on his tip toes to blow air against Lawrence’s neck. He got no reaction because he’d actually been blowing air against Lawrence’s clothed back. Jeremy tickled the man’s side instead, causing Lawrence to emit a noise that could only be described as part scream, part giggle. Behind Jeremy, Bruce laughed at his friend’s misfortune. It was drowned out by Adam and Geoff both screaming at the same time.

“What the fuck?” Michael yelled into the darkness as suddenly a great weight landed in his arms, “the railing, I’ve let go of the railing!”

“It’s all right,” Jack said, “there’s a door here!” She pushed it open, gesturing Elyse past her. “Beauty before age,” she said. Elyse gushed and shimmied into the brightly lit room.

 

The open door bathed the boys in light and Jack got to witness the train wreck behind her. Lawrence had Jeremy by the collar, dragging him into the museum as he cursed him out under his breath. Bruce had fallen to his knees, throwing his arms up to the crap light bulb in the room before them.

“Light, at last. I thought I’d never see you again, how long was I in the dark? Was it days, weeks, months or maybe even years?” Bruce proclaimed to the heavens.

“It’s been one minute,” Jack said. Bruce cleared his throat and stood up.

“Ah, yes. So it has,” He headed towards Lawrence and Jeremy. Geoff and Adam were clinging to one another, each with the knuckles of one hand going white as they held onto to the bar for dear life. James stood behind them, eyeing Geoff.

“I’m right here, you know,” James said as Adam untangled himself from Geoff and hurried towards the light.

“He grabbed me,” Adam shrugged. His pace quickened as he got closer to the door.

 

It was Michael and Gavin who Jack got the most kicks from.

“Shouldn’t you be holding the railing?” She nudged Michael’s arm as he passed her by. He still held Gavin, tucked against his chest like a newborn baby.

“Fuck off, it’s his fault.” Michael nodded his head towards Gavin but only succeeded in bumping their heads together. Jack let him through. Peake slowly trudged after them, holding onto the railing but dangling sideward from it as he walked.

“What are you doing?” Jack said with the hint of a smile.

“Making myself more enticing for the monsters,” Peake said. Jack could only nod. Ryan was the last to enter with his arms crossed.

“You could have gotten lost, young man,” Jack pinched Ryan’s cheek. Ryan snorted.

“It would have been more exciting than this,” he said.

 

The room they’d ended up in was a quaint, non-terrifying museum. It didn’t stop Adam from rushing towards Elyse and hovering over her shoulder. Geoff kept close to James, noting that he was both tall and strong enough to save him should they be attacked. Lawrence had forgotten all about Jeremy as he was drawn to each of the display cases. Jeremy was never far behind. Michael had dropped Gavin and was leaning over one case to get a closer look at what appeared to be a severed head. Gavin had turned away from it, cupping his hand over his mouth and trying to conceal his gagging. Bruce was laughing at him.

“You call yourself a criminal?” He nudged Gavin’s arm and succeeded in making the boy retch louder. Jack had made a beeline for the awards cupboard at the back of the room and was admiring each and every one.

“Isn’t it amazing? This place is the scariest attraction in London,” Jack said.

“I mean, so far it’s pretty shit. It doesn’t even smell like a museum should,” Ryan complained.

 

He ate his words not seconds later when the air became thick with what smelled like fish and chips, if the food had been left to rot for a few days and mixed with shit.

“I take that back,” Ryan said, “they have really captured what I’d imagine medieval London to smell like.” His nose wrinkled and Jack covered her mouth to protect herself.

“Nah,” Peake said, “it’s just Bruce’s fart.”

“How do you know that?” Ryan asked. Peake shook his head, fixing Ryan a look that was filled with pain.

“I just do.”

 

The doors started to bang. Geoff clung to James’ side like a koala bear, keeping himself above ground by wrapping his legs around James’ thighs. Adam had started screaming but in an effort to both keep him safe and quiet Elyse had dragged his head down into her cleavage. Jack flinched and Ryan took one step towards her.

“I’m not answering it,” Peake said. He turned his attention back to the awards case. Lawrence didn’t seem too bothered either, eyes fixated onto a plaque in front of him. Gavin leapt into the air but Michael took a step back, shaking his head. Jeremy dived towards his boyfriends with his arms outstretched as he tried to catch Gavin. He succeeded but ended up crashing into Michael anyway.

“Protect me fart, protect me!” Bruce waved his stench in the door’s direction.

 

It did not stop the tour guide from waltzing in, though her nose did wrinkle.

“Come, quick, we must be quick,” she gestured them forward. Elyse led the way, clutching Adam’s hand and practically dragging him along through the door. James limped behind them. Geoff’s fingernails were digging into his sides and James could only imagine the crime boss shaped bruises that would appear on his leg in the morning. Jack’s hands shook as she held her camera up to take a picture. Gavin turned to Michael with his lower lip outstretched, the question of being carried about to tumble from his lips.

“Sorry babe, I’ve got my hands full.”

Bruce sputtered when his feet the left the ground. He clung to Michael’s back.

“No, stop… put me down.”

The last thing Gavin saw was Bruce waving at him.

 

Jeremy took advantage of Gavin’s shock and locked arms with him. He looked over at Lawrence.

“We’re…”

“Off to see the wizard!” Lawrence scooped Gavin’s limp arm into his own and began to violently swing it.

“The wonderful wizard of Oz!” The two sung. Gavin’s mouth barely moved as he tried to mimic the words along with them.

 

Stuck at the rear of the group was Ryan and Peake.

“After you,” Peake gestured towards the group with a gentle bow.

“No, after you,” Ryan dipped further towards the ground than Peake. Peake frowned.

“I insist, after you.”

Peake got lower. Ryan extended his arm to prepare for the most flamboyant bow that was sure to out-bow Peake. Jeremy came rushing back. He linked Ryan’s arm with his own.

“Ryan, we’re off to see the wizard!”

Ryan reached out and grabbed Peake by the collar of his shirt.

“The wonderful wizard of Oz,” he deadpanned.


End file.
